Confession is Good for the Soul (by Eileen)

The concepts of sin and confession have gone out of fashion.  The images of a judgmental and retributive God that they conjure have been replaced with an emphasis on love and understanding in many faith circles.  I’m definitely not a fan of going back to a place in our culture that was condemnatory, but can we really access the full joy of grace without confession?

Today I read in the OA Big Book a story about a woman saying she had been verbally abusive to her children.  A fellow OA member said she had screwed up and asked what she was going to do about it.

“It was the first time someone told me that I had to take responsibility for my actions.  Previously, everyone had told me that I was doing the best I could.  As long as I believed that, I felt guilty but didn’t feel I had to change.  Being responsible for my actions eliminated the guilt and allowed me to begin changing my behavior.”

My own experience echoes this.  Well-meaning friends might say, “It’s not your fault! Here, have some chocolate!”  This kind of enabling is understandable, but ultimately not helpful because, let’s face it, sometimes I AM at fault, even if partially, and eating just helps me mask and avoid my feelings.

It was not until I came into OA, found a sponsor and worked the steps that I was able to fully face the times I had been hurtful, abusive, neglectful or dishonest.  It was hard to confront these things, but it gave me freedom in a way I had never fully experienced.  Making amends to my husband and children and other people I knew I had hurt was very uncomfortable.  But, it felt like my slate had been washed clean and I could have a new relationship.  Living amends means working on a daily basis to not go back to old behavior.

Now, when I mess up, I try to directly and quickly apologize and make a change.  I also make amends to myself by accepting my body, not calling myself “fat” names, not destroying my health with extra food, and by forgiving myself for being a flawed human.

I feel like this is an essential element in a spiritual journey.  “I’m okay. You’re okay.” is a good starting place, but don’t all of us need to admit that we have hurt others and ourselves?  That admission, according to the 12 steps, requires a detailed confession to another human being.  The power of sharing the worst things you have done with another understanding and non-judgmental person cannot be overstated.  It releases the guilt and lets you move on.

And, of course, steps six through nine suggest we ask our Higher Power to remove these character defects and make amends where it does not hurt others.  So… confession and forgiveness, but then also change.

In fact, can we really change if we DON’T do this step?  I think not.  No amount of positive affirmations will change your own behavior if you have not fully faced the brokenness and dealt with it in dialogue with other broken humans.  Honesty is pretty much the essential starting point for real, lasting change.

Wishing you a good spiritual journey of confession, forgiveness and change!

Just a thought…

Eileen

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