“Oh … fine. How were yours?”
Hoping this rather provocative/obscure remark may pique your attention today. Let me explain.
I grew up in a family that adored magazines: Life, Sports Illustrated, Gourmet, Time. We devoured the content, shared the photos, waited anxiously for our favorite to arrive. It’s no wonder that I still love periodicals and blogs and podcasts.
I’ve been traveling recently so of course I have had a great excuse to stop at the newsstand on my way to the plane or the train. This month, each time I’ve opened a favorite architecture or shelter magazine, I’ve been assailed by the suggestion – no, the requirement to have a
- Merry Christmas,
- Happy Chanukkah
- Happy Kwanza
Maybe, following the recent election, I am a little oversensitive about media messages but these directives to have a great holiday season strike me a bit differently this year.
I expect that you’d expect that someone like me who works in the field of mental health would talk about how to survive the holidays or how to manage those family conflicts that seem inevitable when people who love each other spend too much time together. Not today. At least not for me. Trapped in time as all of us are, there is no escaping the calendar and thus, no matter our religious beliefs, our cultural practices, our family circumstances or our health status, we are smack in the middle of the holiday season.
For some of us, this is a time of joy, of reunions and traditions and shared time with people we love and may not see very often. There may be carefully chosen gifts to exchange, delicious meals to prepare, and new memories to make in the circle of family and friends. We may feel strengthened by our traditions and enlivened by our faith, delighted to gather together. Holidays can be times of peace and delight.
For others of us, this is a time of loneliness, of reminders of loss and disappointment. Without the structure of regular life, of work and related responsibilities, we may struggle to maintain our sense of hope and purpose. We may see other people, with apparently happy families engaged in happy celebrations, and that may drive our sense of sadness deeper. Holidays can surely be times of loss and disconnection.
I would guess that for most of us – all of us? – holidays are probably a mixture of pleasure and exhaustion, appreciation and frustration – and that is the message I’d like to share today. We hear so much lately about diversity and differences and we are surely now living in a world that sometimes feels torn apart by divisions and destruction. Could we utilize this shared experience – these December days where we all find ourselves – to look and listen more carefully?
We could begin with ourselves. Taking a step back from the admonition to have a
- Merry Christmas,
- Happy Chanukah,
- Joyous Kwanza,
we could pause and ask ourselves, what does this time mean to me now, this year? How does it feel? What do I need to bring my best self to this time of year? Do I need to rest? (Probably. Most of us do.) Are there some opportunities for me to make conscious connections with people who are important and who might not know how much they mean to me? Does a break from my regular routine of work provide some rare opportunities for reflection and review and preparing for the new year approaching?
Beginning with ourselves, we could then extend our kindness and compassion to others. We could deliberately inquire about their holiday experiences and expectations. We could extend our curiosity and willingness to see their experience as unique and significant, worthy of our attention and perhaps, in that seeing, recognize a companion in this holiday journey.
So if you chose to try this approach, what might you do?
Here are some ideas:
- During this season of abundance, when more food and lavish gifts beckon, consider taking a moment to gauge your appetites and your capacity. When have you had enough, consumed enough, achieved a feeling of satisfaction? For you, what is the distinction between having enough and too much? Overeating, overspending – tis the season! What would it look like and how would you feel if you were really comfortable with your choices and your behavior?
- We all have our default tendencies and for many of us, it’s a tendency to more rather than less. If that is your conscious choice, honor it. But if you are like many of us, your real answer to “how was your holiday?” may well include some of the following: I’m exhausted, I’ve gained a few pounds, I witnessed – or joined – some of the old family conflicts that seem to have no solutions, I felt lonely and disappointed sometimes and didn’t know how to handle it – and now I have to go back to work? My holidays were fine … how about yours?
If this has been at all useful, perhaps you’ll have some ideas about how to change this paradigm. And here is another fantastic benefit of reflection: there is very likely someone very close by who feels the same way, who might welcome a walk on the beach followed by a cup of tea, who’d be happy to stay in and play dominoes instead of dressing up and chasing the next round of parties. Children in particular love this approach because it’s so personal and meaningful and quietly renewing. I hope you’ll have a chance to give it a try.
So finally, back to the beginning. Instead of a mindless response about our holidays that sounds like, “Oh … fine. How were yours?” maybe we will have a more conscious, embodied response that joins truth with compassion.
Does this sound like mindfulness?
Well, it is. It’s mindfulness in action. It’s an opportunity to suspend our judgment – more specifically, our judging – of ourselves and others. It’s a chance to practice having no expectations and allowing ourselves to be affected directly by our experiences – without preoccupying or labeling or preferring. And maybe, just maybe, it will be a holiday season that brings something new and extraordinary to us. May it be so for each of you.
Just A Thought…
Ann Raney
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