“If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”
These questions posed by Rabbi Hillel have tripped me up more than a time to two in my life. In fact, I can think of few questions that are as vexing. My sense of self, who I think I am, is constantly called into question by my experiences and by the people who I let influence my life.
I remember so clearly when I first confronted these questions. I stood before Judge Robert T. Long in juvenile court in September of 1963 for a sentencing hearing on my conviction for auto theft.
Before rendering a sentence, Judge Long posed these questions:
“Pat Moriarty, who are going to decide to be? Are you deciding now to take up a life of crime? Are you choosing to associate yourself with other criminals? I need to know your decision first so that I can deliver mine. These are important questions because your answer will determine for me how I will sentence you.”
Judge Long was placing my fate in my hands; he was asking me to participate in my own sentencing.
- Who would I choose as guiding influences in my life?
- What path would I decide to walk?
- Who did I plan to become?
I was stunned by his question. At age 14 I didn’t realize I had any decision in the matter. I looked over to my mother for help. How should I answer? She just shook her head; she would be no help. It would be my decision alone. Judge Long was asking me to become the co-creator of my own life.
I looked at Judge Long and said I wanted the opportunity to start over. I wanted set out on a different path. I understood that since my dad had died I had gotten off on the wrong course and I intended to change direction.
Truth be told, as a 14-year-old I felt trapped in a world over which I had no control. I felt I was torpedoing down a raging river to an entirely unknown destination.
Judge Long decided to throw this confused and troubled boy a life preserver, with the simple message, “You can decide to pull yourself out of the river.” I had a decision to make on the direction of my life, a decision I’d need to make each day for the rest of my life.
Maybe some of you can identify the moment when you first understood yourself to be co-creator of your own life, the moment when you first understood you were not simply a victim of circumstance, when you first understood you had a vote on your future.
When Judge Long put the question to me, I knew that if I didn’t respond appropriately, I might very well find myself locked up in a juvenile detention center for my freshman year of high school. It was the difference between whether I would attend Seattle Prep or not. This became a defining moment for me, and one that I think points to a universal truth:
I had no idea in September of 1963 that these questions posed by Rabbi Hillel many centuries ago would be with me every day of my life.
“If I am not for myself, who is for me? But if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”
Just a thought…
Pat
This post was originally published October 30, 2016.
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