No topic has been of more consequence to me over the years than that of becoming a man. Perhaps it’s because I labored over my own difficult journey into maturity, or maybe it’s because I got to be Erin’s stepfather and uncle to some wonderful nephews. Whatever the reason, I’ve given a lot of thought to how boys grow into men.
I’ve come to believe a boy needs to be taught how to be a man. It’s not acquired by virtue of age, but rather through practice — much practice. To get rightly started on the road to becoming a good man, someone needs to demonstrate the ways of goodness. And for that, boys often look to their fathers, but it doesn’t always happen that way.
- Some dads die early,
- Some dads are only grown up boys, and
- Some families do not include fathers.
The truth is, not having a father around need not sidetrack the process of helping a boy mature. Life has a way of inviting men into our lives to provide us role models. In my case, a man came along who taught me how to find myself by looking beyond myself. His name was Frank Julien.
Frank was a member of our parish, a father of five who owned a local pharmacy. He was a stalwart in the Knights of Columbus, leader of our Boy Scout troop, and a friend to all on Queen Anne Hill.
Our family knew Frank and his family, but we were not close. It wasn’t until after my father’s death that we really got know Frank. That moment came three weeks after Dad died when, out of the blue, Mother received a call from Frank offering her a job in his drugstore. He told her she could set her own hours to accommodate the needs of her children.
Imagine that. Just when we were wondering how the family could possibly survive the death of our sole means of support, a lifeline was thrown to us by a man we hardly knew.
My 14-year-old mind couldn’t comprehend why he, or anyone, would care about helping a family outside his own. When I asked Mom she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “Well, that’s just the kind of man he is.”
I remember wondering, how do you become that kind of man? How do you become a man like Frank?
But, alas, I didn’t linger long with that question. As a normal, self-centered 14-year-old, I went on my merry way, filing my question away until it was finally resurrected 22 years later. For it wasn’t until I sobered up at age 36 that I got serious about becoming a man.
Mother went on to work for Frank until he closed his store in 1972. But before he did, he made sure Mom had a job at the pharmacy down the street, where she would go on to work until she retired.
There was one other thing about Frank.
He stuttered, just like me. But rather than being timid and self-conscious, he never let his stammer get in the way of his public speaking. Whether it was in leading a scout meeting or talking with his customers, Frank freely held forth on any topic at any time. When I learned I could do the same, my stammer mysteriously disappeared.
My brother Steve and I visited with Frank before he died in 2005 and let him know the powerful influence he had been on us. On hearing that, he just shrugged his shoulders, smiled, and said, “That’s just what men do.”
I’ve thought long and hard about what made Frank so special, so different. The answer I came to was quite simple. Frank didn’t focus all of his attention on himself. The lion’s share went toward others, whether it be his family, church or community. He actually thought about the needs of others.
How else can I explain why he reached out to my family in the hour of our greatest need? Someone taught him that manhood is not a birthright, but something earned through thinking and acting in service to others.
Choose your role models wisely, for it is they who we become.
“The first step to be a good man is this. You must deeply feel the burden of the stones someone else is carrying.” — Mehmet Murat Ildan
I wanna be like Frank!
Just a thought…
Pat
Copyright © 2020 Patrick J. Moriarty. All Rights Reserved.
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