“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.” ~ T.E. Lawrence
In my early days of sobriety as a twilight dreamer I was like a sleep walker.
- half action
- half standing still
- half my cylinders idle
- half my brain working
Most of all I felt different from everyone I met. These early days were a contradictory time for me. I knew I was broken and powerless, to be sure, but I still held to the opinion that I was unique, different, not like you. Yes, I was broken, but uniquely broken, and I was therefore a “special” case.
You get my drift here. I found it difficult to connect to those with a “low bottom,” in recovery terms. In my early meetings I formed all sorts of opinions about why certain speakers said what they said, and engaged in mental arguments to deflect the message away from me. No doubt the roughest moments with my sponsor were over my efforts to divide alcoholics into one group or another.
“I don’t care what you think unless it is about me.” ~ Kurt Cobain
This phase did not last long not long at all.
Gary made it clear to me in a hundred ways that this “uniqueness” condition I manifested was spiritually terminal. He insisted that I open my mind to the truth that there was not a dime’s worth of difference between me and the guys that slept by the dumpsters at Union Station. He said if he was to be my sponsor I would need to follow his lead.
What ensued then for me, over the coming months, was a mountain of service-related work.
Gary insisted that I enter into an active and continual dialogue with these so-called “other folk” and that this dialogue take place in the activity of service.
- I became my group’s coffee maker
- I became a permanent first step chair
- I pulled 12 step duty at the 24-hour call center
- I became a regular at several skid row meetings
- I became a home group meeting greeter
- I signed up for middle of the night 12 step calls
- I attended meetings at the County Jail
These engagements did not invite my opinion, only my action.
They required that I show up and extend an open hand. That I share how it was and how it is now. Gary would call this raw service work. The kind of in-the-trenches service work akin to manning a foxhole in the midst of live fire. My sponsor knew exactly what he was doing with me.
Then, just like fat frying on a rib eye steak, my sense of uniqueness just melted away. I was humbled in a thousand different ways by people who were entirely outside my frame of reference, but who held unbelievable wisdom.
- Men serving life without parole taught me the true meaning of freedom
- Men and women living in homeless shelters taught me how to share what I had
- People with mental illness taught me how to live one day at a time
When I got to the point were I could climb out of the sinkhole of uniqueness and privileged elitism and join the walking wounded on this sober trek of ours, everything changed for me.
It was Einstein who said, “The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.”
And George Bernard Shaw said, with equal clarity, “Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
So let it be said of us:
“I may be wrong in regard to any or all of them; but holding it a sound maxim, that it is better to be only sometimes right, than at all times wrong, so soon as I discover my opinions to be erroneous, I shall be ready to renounce them.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
Just a Thought…
Pat
If you would like to submit a post to Just A Thought, please contact Marsha at mhahn013@sbcglobal.net.