“For he will do ~ As he do do ~ And there’s no doing anything about it!” ~ TS Elliot
The picture of Charlie Brown picture pretty much sums up my experience of a life fueled on self-will and alcohol: soon to be laid out – ass end down.
I would swear there was a conspiracy by the powers that be to deny me a break!
My own story of unbridled self-will begins in 1962, the year my father passed away. I found myself frozen in pain and insecurity, and entering an emotional time warp from which I would not exit for 22 years.
I proceeded to live my life on the fuel of self-will with alcohol as my medicine. I began collecting awards and developed the notoriety of a “can-do” kind of kid. I discovered I could achieve anything I put my mind to:
- I graduated at the top of my college class
- I ran marathons all over the world
- My work took me on exciting missions to far-off places
But through all of this something seemed off. I was an isolate, a loner at heart.
- Not really happy
- Always kind of lonely
- Enough was never enough
And through it all, I had a conscious suspicion that I was really a phony, a charlatan, a made up man.
- I had a hole inside me that nothing could fill
- A neediness that no person could address
- A longing that just about drove me crazy
So for 22 years I just did the same self-will act over and over again to the same unsatisfying end until:
- The alcohol quit working
- I was beaten senseless
- My life plans collapsed around my ears
- I just couldn’t take another step
The maze I’d entered 22 years earlier was going to come to an end one way or another.
Then I went to my first meeting on 06-14-1985 and I found a safe way out of the maze. The road to nowhere on which I’d traveled for 22 years finally revealed to me an exit and I took it.
Does any of this resonate with you?
Finally, the frozen-up child of 13 was able to begin maturing in a right and proper way. I learned: If the self improperly matures, it stands to reason that this self, when called upon to act maturely, will be
Immature
So in a real sense I began to mature when I was 36, and now, 30 years later, I’m quite happy to see that the boy has become a man. The boy who had such a hard time learning from mistakes is now quite willing to let experience inform his choices.
Now, when life teaches me a hard lesson, I’m prone to listen.
Just a Thought…
Pat
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